It's for the birds.

Yes I guess I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I don't feel like one. Christians make me sick the vast majority of the time... at least in this country. I don't know how Albanian Christians are. I tried being "Christian" and it didn't work. So now I'm not a Christian. I just believe in Jesus Christ. I'm just a person who realizes a thing or two about the world and the depth of deceit and the subtlety of evil spiritual forces, and in doing so I've been made aware that God is real and Christ did exactly what he said he did. If he hadn't, I would've never been able to realize anything but corruption, death, and destruction.

However, I still watch too much tv and look at too much porn. I'm a lazy bastard, too. Sometimes I take money from my parents here or there to buy a 12 pack of beer or to order a porn subscription. I feel terrible about all of it afterwards, but the thing is... I can't change who I am. That's in God's hands, and if I don't change, then there must be a good reason. You might sat "What about free will?", but honestly I don't know what that is because we all serve some kind of master. So does "free will" make one's actions more meaningful? If I willingly change for God, am I really changing, or am I merely shifting the fault that is always there regardless of my actions? I don't know whether acting on the belief in free will and independence is good or not. It seems kind of delusional and destined to fail. If I'm not supposed to be doing something, the more I want to do it, and then over-do it.

So what do I do but rest on faith alone? Will I ever in this life still not at least partially desire constant proof? It was easy to get when I was into mysticism. I could just do a ritual or sit in the lotus position for a few hours or even take a hot bath, and Id pop into another reality for a minute and go "Oh look at that!" or some times "OH GOD WHAT IS THAT!?" and occasionally "Oh no, dude..." Mysticism is like cheap meaningless tourism. You want to go and explore, but when you get there, you just "Oh look at that" and then you go back home. Some say travel expands the mind. I say it just distracts the mind from the more pressing matters, like the fact that you are going to die and in truth you have no idea what you're going to face. Mysticism is like pigeons shitting on you and then saying it's your fault there's shit in your hair. It's for the birds. I want it, but I'm tired of it.

On a more political note... what happens when civil rights crusaders have crusaded for everything and there's nothing left to crusade for. Are they just going to start making up shit, like rights for tea cups? Like okay te cups are people, too. We'll give tea cups sentience and little arms and legs and eyes and brains, and then we'll crusade for equal employment for tea cups, and then tea cups can get jobs instead of just take up space and occasionally serve our tea needs when we feel unusually European.